This post is getting ahead of itself a bit on the blog, since I haven't even written his birth story yet, but I feel like it's an important topic. If you're shy and don't want to read about my nipples (which is probably not every one's cup of tea) then you should skip this post.. and probably skip the birth story.. and come back when I'm posting a more G rated post.
Breastfeeding.
Such a hot topic these days, and such an intense topic. So many opinions, so many thoughts and judgements. When I was pregnant and people asked if I was going to breastfeed (which is a weird thing that acquaintances feel they can talk about my breasts when they don't know me very well) my response was always "I'm going to try". This was based on the little bit that I had read between blogs and the class we took and all the information that I had soaked in up to this point. Everything I had read said how beneficial it was (plus side) but also how difficult and trying it can be (down side). So I didn't want to set myself up with an absolute and then be disappointed in myself if I struggled or couldn't make it work. Although, I will say that I was going to be incredibly disappointed if I wasn't able to breastfeed, as then they would have been the literal biggest waste of space EVER.
At the hospital things seemed like they were going pretty well. The class we took prepared me a little bit for different holds to try to get him to latch, and what I should be looking for. I thought I was prepared. But, there was trouble from the start. My left side - no bueno. For some reason, it just always hurt a little bit more than the other. I had two lactation consultants come from the hospital and assured me that his latch was good. I just didn't have faith since it was hurting. I didn't realize that it was going to just be sore in the beginning - and started to seriously doubt myself.
When I got home, that's when things got crazy bad. I was sitting in the room crying while he cried because he was hungry, and all I wanted to do was feed him through magic because there was no way in h-e-double-hockey-sticks that I was letting him nurse on the left side. But, I knew that I had to give it a shot otherwise it would just mess up my body, especially since I was only 3 and 4 days in. I needed to nurse to get the supply.
I contacted another lactation consultant on Monday, yes, that's day 5. I think the woman thought I was probably a little nuts-o to contact her so early after getting home, but I was struggling. It was so painful. She looked at me, watched him latch, weighed him before and after and he was doing AWESOME. As in, getting like a million ounces of milk from each side (okay, like 1.5-2 oz, which is apparently golden for day 5 of nursing). She was super impressed and positive and gave me so much confidence. It was one of the best things I've ever done. She did note that my nipples were bruised and battered, which is an unfortunate side-effect, and did agree that my left side was pretty torn up, and I had a pretty awesome crack in my nipple. Yeah, a crack... WTF. With time, it was supposed to get better. Both of us (Colin and me) were supposed to learn and it was supposed to get better.
Unfortunately we didn't get better. By Thursday I was praying for a milk nurse, not understanding why I wasn't born a noble in some different time period. My left nipple was swollen to the point where I don't think he could really even get it in his mouth to eat, engorgement was setting in... and I swear that the crack that I had was turning green. I was going between hot compresses to reduce the swelling and ice packs to reduce the pain. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't think it was going to be THIS hard. I was so miserable and every time he would cry I would want to hide because I didn't want to have the pain. I could barely bring myself to feed him. Every time John would look at me or mention "hungry" I was getting so angry, and it wasn't his fault. He was just trying to make the crying baby stop crying. Both of us knew the answer, I was the only one that truly understood the gravity of him being hungry.
I googled everything I could think of - essentially reading from everyone to not stop nursing - suck it up and nurse through the pain. It's amazing the amount of pain and suffering I was able to go through for this little 8 lb baby.... but I sucked it up. Saturday came a fever and chills, and redness and swelling... mastitis. At least I was pretty sure. I was still on my prescription ibuprofen so it was bringing down my fever, but I was still swinging between 101 and 99. I'm supposed to call the doctor at anything over 100.4 but my fever never stayed above 100.4 for longer than 5-10 minutes so I didn't think it was worth it. I was starting to get so frustrated because everything had felt so "easy" to this point, and this was so incredibly hard. And I generally only like things that I'm good at, so I hated being so "bad" at breastfeeding.
The week progressed, I talked to my doctor, I talked to my lactation consultant. My doctor said that I should keep nursing, if I thought it was mastitis and it was bad enough to warrant antibiotics I could call back and they would submit a prescription for me. I declined hoping that I could make it through. My lactation consultant said as a last resort I could do "nipple rest" where I would pump and feed him through the bottle instead of nursing him directly - but the way she said it made me feel like I was copping out because I should be able to just suck it up and it would get better and heal on its own. By Thursday I was sure that the crack was green and that infection was setting in so I got an antibiotic nipple cream. Of course I called on Friday afternoon so it didn't get filled until Saturday morning. The pharmacist was so sweet because I was calling every hour to see if it was there on Friday afternoon - and you could tell that she felt so bad to have to keep turning me away. When I picked it up on Saturday she remembered me and gave me a pity look, she completely understood the desperation in my voice.
Where am I now? Still in pain, a chunk of skin and tissue is still missing on my left nipple.. but the pain is manageable. I'm terrified of when the ointment runs out, I'll probably see about getting another prescription for it if only for peace of mind. I wish I could say that everything is now rainbows and butterflies - and nursing is like riding on a unicorn through a land of cotton candy. Two weeks came and at least it became manageable. I don't cry (at least when he's hungry), but it still hurts for the latch. I don't look at him with fear when he starts to cry and I know it's not because he's dirty or tired - he's hungry.
I'm now just over four weeks in, four weeks of being home. I have to say, breastfeeding is hard. All those bloggers were right. The only thing that makes me keep going is that I know all of the benefits of breastfeeding... and let's be honest it's good for me too - cheap AND burns calories. There aren't many things in my life that I can say I can burn calories by sitting on the couch. I know that if I decide that I can't do it and I turn to pumping and bottle feeding, that's okay too. I know that whatever choice I make is what will work best for our family, but I really do want to stick this out - suck it up. I think that I realized what went so wrong - the seal break when trying to reposition him. I didn't do such a good job, and so I think he was essentially stripping skin of my nipple and making the crack worse. I wish I could go back in time. I just really need to have this crack (which is now a chasm) heal. And I probably need my psyche to heal a little bit too.
**I would like to send a very big thank you to a very good friend who I talked to right before the breastfeeding "hump" - understanding and knowing that crying in the night and the stress I was feeling about breastfeeding is normal and okay... and that I'm not a crazy person. One of the more therapeutic conversations of my life.**
Boobs - they are just bitches. That's the only way to put it. But, oh, I cry with you. And it's so hard with all those hormones exiting your body too:) I could go on and on and on...but it really is a learning process and you are doing beautifully!!!!! AND to only be four weeks in (and what really only three weeks since your milk came in??) you're doing great. Love you!!!
ReplyDelete