Going out of my mind

DISCLAIMER - I have been sitting on this post for a while, hoping some of the crazy would pass... it has not.  So, I figure why not do a brain-dump to see if I'm not alone.

All day I think of things that I want to write about ... all day I build up topics and words and sentences to share what I'm thinking ... and as soon as I sit down to actually put those ideas down, POOF!  They are out of my head and all my grand ideas are faint memories that I can't pull up.  I know that most of the things I'm thinking about these days are (in no particular order):

• Why does my baby hate me?  (This stems from the belief that he doesn't smile at me ... EVER... John assures me that I'm crazy and that he does in fact smile at me just as much)
• When will Colin start sleeping more at night?
• How long will I have to wear these damn pads in my bra?
• How can I throw out 90% of everything in my house?
• Do I do enough to advance Colin?  Do we play enough, do we read enough, do we do enough tummy time... do we <> enough (see a trend?)?
• What else can I google to see if Colin is on track or falling behind?
• Does he smile enough and engage socially enough for his age?
• When will we have enough money to make improvements to our condo?

It's just a never ending stream of consciousnesses that kind of makes me feel like a crazy person.

This is what I've learned about motherhood so far... it has made me certifiably a CRAZY person.  I was on the cusp for most of my life - a delicate balancing act of being out of my mind and a calm/laid back kind of person.  I'm now dangerously close to losing that sense of calm and living only in crazy.  

I think what's really been on my mind lately was a topic that I heard on the radio the other day - "what are you like in your secret life?"  Essentially, what kind of person do you portray to the world, compared to the person that you really are inside, and in my case, how I really am with John and Colin when I get home.

Unfortunately, I think I live a secret life.  Maybe it's not so secret, I'm probably not nearly as good about hiding it as I think I am.  In my outward life, I'm a pretty laid back person and mom.  I don't stress with knowing he'll get sick (his first cold wasn't nearly as terrible as I thought it was going to be in all honesty) or picking toys up off the floor and handing them back to him... and I definitely find myself talking so casually about things and not seeming like I'm overreacting.  I make jokes about his crying (first timers be warned, I will usually pull out the "oh my goodness, what did you do to Colin?  He NEVER cries.... I can't believe you made him cry".  It keeps me from crying).  I've had other people tell me how "calm" I am, and are surprised since he's my first.  

In reality --- I freak about nearly everything.  I freak about if we are doing enough with Colin, if we are not good parents because we aren't with him 100% of everyday all the time.  I get in and freak out about how much stuff we have and how much room we don't.  I freak about having an old kitchen, I freak about having broken floors that need to be redone, I freak about laundry, I . freak . about.... everything.  I think I'm driving John out of his mind since I come home and just lose my sh*t.  

Does this happen to everyone?  Does everyone take the crazy train when they become parents?  Everything that was on your mind before, just becomes that much more intense?  Then with the addition of worrying about another human.... oof.  I'm going to blame a little bit on sleep deprivation - the rest is just me I think.  

What kind of 'secret' life do you lead?