Dreams

I don't talk much about my mom --- I don't feel like it's something that most people need to hear because I find it makes people uncomfortable.  People don't like to hear about parents dying when the person speaking is under the age of 50.  It makes them nervous, and let me tell you.... suicide makes people want to jump out of the conversation faster than anything.  I get it, I'm super awkward about it because I don't know how to address it even after a decade.... but even if it had been cancer (a more socially acceptable disease) or an accident that no one can make sense of, it still makes them uncomfortable.  So I begin by saying, I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable... but honestly, I'm not sorry... because I'm going to share it.

When my mom died, I was devastated... as can be expected.  But I was also angry and frustrated, and it took me a long time to understand why.  I also felt betrayed, because this was the "time" we had been waiting for, and she had made a promise to me that she wouldn't try again.  Of course, I understand that in the middle of her illness she couldn't remember that, she couldn't think of that, she was where she was and she thought she was making the "only" choice... 

Not long after she died, I had a dream.  I've heard from others it's not an uncommon dream.  My mom was there in my dream --- talking to me, giving me the opportunity to express my anger, my disappointment, my feelings of betrayal, and most importantly that I missed her and wished she was still here.  I was able to talk to her and tell her how angry I was, and listen to her tell me she was sorry but it was the choice she had to make.  It was cathartic and allowed me to let go of so much.  I woke up crying, and honestly --- I felt she had been there.  I don't believe in a lot, but I don't think I can shake the feeling that my mom had been there with me --- talked with me, allowed me to grieve over losing her and accepted my feelings towards it all.

Fast forward nearly 14 years.  I haven't truly dreamt about my mom since that dream.  But a few nights ago, she was there.  She was with me to meet Colin.  She talked to me about how beautiful he is, how smart he is.  I don't know what took me so long to have this dream, he's already 2, but I woke up feeling like my mom had finally met my son and she was proud, and she was watching over us and she was excited to see where he was going.  There was more to it, but the specifics of the dream are already fading - but the feeling is not.  

It's crazy how things happen... when things happen.  I had a breakdown the other day, and I ventured into the "I wish".  The worst thing about "I wish" is that after you say it, you instantly have another "I wish" which is wishing those words were never spoken out loud.  Once those words were put out there, I realized that I never even actually felt them.. they were just sitting in my mind and they were the farthest thing from truth I knew.  My mom coming in to my head, and telling me how amazing my son is --- that was the perfect timing.  So I just want to say... I miss you, Mom.  I really do wish you were here.  But in the absence of that, thank you for entering my dreams and sharing what you can - and letting me be mad at you, but also letting me share my life with you, and setting me straight on how great I actually have it.  

Maybe not the best pictures... but ones that I have on hand.