Serious Notes

I try to keep my posts relatively light hearted... which is how I really do live my life - focusing on the good and positive and trying to let go of the bad.  (I sound like some sort of ridiculous self-help book or something)  But, there have been a few events as of late that I think warrant some more serious thought.  I think this is even more spurred on by the fact that I just dropped Colin off for our first dry run of Julia watching him when I go back to work - and I might be feeling a little overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions that I know are completely normal, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm a relatively rational person (this could be up to debate with John sometimes, as I do have quite a few irrational moments), and this tends to carry over into my emotions.  I don't often get overly emotional, I didn't really cry at my wedding, I didn't cry at Colin's birth... I'm just not really "built" that way.  But, geez, dropping Colin off this morning for our dry run, knowing that it will be a constant thing starting next Wednesday.  Now THAT can really set a girl off.  I did hold it together, but mainly because I'm pretending that it's not real.  (Might also be why I'm good at not crying at momentous occasions)  I'm so nervous about leaving him, not because I don't trust Julia, but because he will now be in the hands of someone other than me, someone other than family - and spending more time with her in a day than he spends with me.  She will get to interact with him more than me, see the smiles, see the faces, see the "firsts".  I'm not looking forward to that.  I'm so nervous that he will stop being comforted by me as well, stop liking me as much, that he just won't be as excited to see me anymore.  Since she's our friend, I have the fear that when we are out and he's upset, he'll look to her instead of me.  Not all of these fears are rational, but I don't think they're abnormal either.  I know that ultimately, I'm still mom and I still have that trump card.  But I don't know that it will have as much clout when I go back to work.  That's what scares me the most I think.  

Four weeks ago, he was crying more, harder to deal with during the day while John was at work.  Then last week he started being so much more interactive and smiley and cute.  Of course he had to change right before I had to go back to work.  How fitting.  We've been snuggling more, he's been holding on to my shoulders when I pick him up.  All the things that make my heart grow three sizes.  I'm really starting to buy into this motherhood thing.  Ha.  Don't get me wrong, he still has days where he screams and cries and there is nothing I can do to help, but he has a lot more times where he plays and giggles and likes when I sing to him.  (I don't want to brag, but I can pull out a mean Row Row Row Your Boat)  I guess he pulled out all the stops to remind me why it's totally worth it, even if I am back at work and I can't spend as much time with him.  This morning before dropping him off, we snuggled in bed.  He curled up into me and conked out, I just got to lay there and look at him and listen to him breathe.  Sure, we were late to Julia's, but I wouldn't trade it.  I'm going to miss it when I'm rushing out the door in the morning to drop him off and get into the office.  Luckily my boss is finally really buying into the flexibility thing (I think) so that means to me that I will get to visit him during the day for lunch when I'm working from home.  Pick him up early to see him more in the afternoon.  I'm looking forward to that already and it's not even happening yet!  

I think the most surprising thing to me about the emotional reaction to leaving him for the day was that I'll admit, I didn't have that overwhelming sweeping intense love when Colin was born.  I was in shock over having a life to be responsible for, how much our lives had changed, and he was so intense.  I wasn't prepared for how often he would nurse, how often he would be awake in the night, how much work it would all be and how exhausted I would feel.  I wasn't prepared for how much he would cry and how there would be nothing to do until he had cried it out or we held on to him and rocked him for hours on end.  I wasn't prepared for how we wouldn't be able to sit on the couch for 10 weeks while holding him because he had to be constantly rocked or on the move.  It was all very taxing.  Don't get me wrong, I loved him... but I wasn't feeling what so many people said I should be feeling or what they had felt.  I get it now.  It took a while, but now that we can interact with each other it's an entirely different feeling. At first it felt like we were babysitting for a really long time, now it's shifted to know that we really are in this for the long haul.  Ha.  I am sitting in my house for the first time without him being here since he was born, and it feels like something is missing.  That's how I know the shift has happened, that's how I know that my life will never be the same.  When he's not here, I miss him, I worry about him, and I hope he knows that I love him and hope that when I see him again he will still love me back.  This is going to be an intense couple of weeks while I get back into work, and I accept that everything will still be okay - just different.

My other note.  I've had a couple of people ask me about my first Mother's Day, a few ask if I've thought about my mom.  I've had probably other people wondering, but not asking.  I have been so blessed in my life to have so many supportive women that have looked after me and cared about me.  I haven't truly celebrated a Mother's Day since 2001.  I've celebrated my wonderful mother-in-law, other wonderful mother's that I have in my life - but it's been a bit removed for me.  This year I had my 30th birthday followed by my first Mother's Day as a mother.  It was different, and it was wonderful.  It was nice to have a fresh take on the day, with new memories to be made.  I miss my mom, and I wish she were here.  I wish I could ask her questions about when I was a baby, how she felt, what it was like.  I wish that I could share my stories with her and how things are going and that she could know Colin.  I'm lucky in that much of what she learned about taking care of a baby she learned from my dad, so I have him as a wonderful resource and if anyone knows my dad, he loves to share stories about me - so I'm not lacking in that regard.  Ha.  But, I do miss her and I wish she were here.  But I am also looking forward to making my own Mother's Day memories with my family and my sweet boy, and starting to make that day something special again.

Was that enough serious talk?  I figure it probably is... and a LOT of words.  Not sure if it makes sense, or if there was any message really here... other than, I'm happy to be a mom... I'm not excited to be a working one.  But I know in the end it's better (and necessary) for all of us.  

Now here's a cute picture to make it all happy again: