Let's play catch up - Part 1 of 123298123521 - aka Colin is 2

I have been falling behind.  Exceptionally far behind.  We have done so many amazing things since I last wrote, and even MORE since I shared pictures.  I'm going to do my best to try and recap it without sending everyone into a "please stop sharing, that's enough" mode.

I think I will start at the end and go backwards - because that makes sense, right?

The biggest news??  We have a TWO YEAR OLD!  An opinionated, talkative, smart, animal-obsessed two year old.  I'm just in awe about how quickly time went, but we are loving it.  The older he gets, the more fun he is.  Of course more fun also equals more head-shaking and deep-breath taking on our end.

We had a wonderful birthday party with our friends and family.  I am so appreciative that they took the time out to celebrate Colin.  It means so much to me that we have such wonderful people in our lives.  Colin loved it too.  He got to hang out with Wylie and they ran around like crazy people which was so fun to see.  It made me realize that we should probably try to make some more kid friends for Colin.  He apparently likes hanging out with kids his own age as much as hanging out with his parents (when did he get to be a teenager?).

So here are a few pictures from his 2nd birthday to kick it all off.  I am in all of my freshly broken wrist glory (it had happened the Wednesday before his Saturday party)... so you'll have to excuse my completely disheveled look...

Blowing out candles

We've created a monster about donuts now.. but can't resist the Happy Birthday Donut from Glazed & Infused!

Nom nom nom

 

Seriously, aren't balloons just about the greatest thing ever?

Then, just to make sure my arm was surely documented?  We did some family pictures the next day.  Our friend is a photographer and has been taking pictures of our little family since the beginning.. doing our pregnancy photos too.  Colin wasn't in much of a mood for pictures, but we got a few in there before he freaked out and just wanted to sleep on my shoulder.  Carrying around a 25 lb child with a casted elbow is pretty tough though.

  

I realize this is essentially the same picture but Colin is looking at the camera, but I can't resist the one where he's staring at us and laughing.  

And this one of the two of them might be one of my favorite things...

Then we got tired boy.... But I love the cuddles.

We still need to take the obligatory bear photos in the chair, but we'll get there.  We are so good at sneaking things in against the wire.  Hopefully we get one in before the last day before he's 3!  

Loving who this little boy is becoming.  He says "I love you", and "thank you for helping me <>" which melts me every time.  He has learned "I want" which is just about two of the worst words in our home since they often times lead to extreme yelling.  He loves when all his people are in the same room.  He has learned to move over on the sidewalk to let people pass, but sometimes that means waiting for all the people he can see for multiple blocks have passed us "more peoples mama, more peoples... wait".  But goodness do we have fun.  He loves puzzles, and singing songs.  He often sings to us, and always loves a good rendition of "animals on the bus" which is apparently much more interesting than "wheels on the bus".  When he comes into our bed in the morning and wakes up in a good mood, those are some of my favorite moments of the day.  He'll lay there between us and just talk - he'll count, sing, go through the ABC's, list off all the animals he knows, all the people in his family, anything he can think of.  It's pretty awesome.

We'll catch up more later... this is just a start.

Dreams

I don't talk much about my mom --- I don't feel like it's something that most people need to hear because I find it makes people uncomfortable.  People don't like to hear about parents dying when the person speaking is under the age of 50.  It makes them nervous, and let me tell you.... suicide makes people want to jump out of the conversation faster than anything.  I get it, I'm super awkward about it because I don't know how to address it even after a decade.... but even if it had been cancer (a more socially acceptable disease) or an accident that no one can make sense of, it still makes them uncomfortable.  So I begin by saying, I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable... but honestly, I'm not sorry... because I'm going to share it.

When my mom died, I was devastated... as can be expected.  But I was also angry and frustrated, and it took me a long time to understand why.  I also felt betrayed, because this was the "time" we had been waiting for, and she had made a promise to me that she wouldn't try again.  Of course, I understand that in the middle of her illness she couldn't remember that, she couldn't think of that, she was where she was and she thought she was making the "only" choice... 

Not long after she died, I had a dream.  I've heard from others it's not an uncommon dream.  My mom was there in my dream --- talking to me, giving me the opportunity to express my anger, my disappointment, my feelings of betrayal, and most importantly that I missed her and wished she was still here.  I was able to talk to her and tell her how angry I was, and listen to her tell me she was sorry but it was the choice she had to make.  It was cathartic and allowed me to let go of so much.  I woke up crying, and honestly --- I felt she had been there.  I don't believe in a lot, but I don't think I can shake the feeling that my mom had been there with me --- talked with me, allowed me to grieve over losing her and accepted my feelings towards it all.

Fast forward nearly 14 years.  I haven't truly dreamt about my mom since that dream.  But a few nights ago, she was there.  She was with me to meet Colin.  She talked to me about how beautiful he is, how smart he is.  I don't know what took me so long to have this dream, he's already 2, but I woke up feeling like my mom had finally met my son and she was proud, and she was watching over us and she was excited to see where he was going.  There was more to it, but the specifics of the dream are already fading - but the feeling is not.  

It's crazy how things happen... when things happen.  I had a breakdown the other day, and I ventured into the "I wish".  The worst thing about "I wish" is that after you say it, you instantly have another "I wish" which is wishing those words were never spoken out loud.  Once those words were put out there, I realized that I never even actually felt them.. they were just sitting in my mind and they were the farthest thing from truth I knew.  My mom coming in to my head, and telling me how amazing my son is --- that was the perfect timing.  So I just want to say... I miss you, Mom.  I really do wish you were here.  But in the absence of that, thank you for entering my dreams and sharing what you can - and letting me be mad at you, but also letting me share my life with you, and setting me straight on how great I actually have it.  

Maybe not the best pictures... but ones that I have on hand.

Laid back

That moment where you realize, maybe I'm just a little TOO laid back as a parent... 

Colin's been having this little cough for the last couple of months (yeah, you read that right... I said months.. not days, not weeks, but MONTHS).. a runny nose... some sneezing.  It all happened right around the time that allergies seemed to run rampant through our house, so I didn't think much of it.  It's starting to get a little worse, so I called the doctor - trying to be all relaxed and cool... and they want me to bring him in to check on it.  Their decision was based on him having it for a while... How silly do I feel that I didn't go in before?  That I didn't remember to ask the doctor about it at his 18 month check up 2 weeks ago.... 

Oh well, I guess you live and you learn.  Hopefully it's nothing that makes me feel worse for not taking him in before, just the run of the mill allergies (do toddlers have the ability to have allergies yet?) or a little cold that is too persistent.  

Oops!

That wasn't in the book

So, I guess it's a little misleading as I didn't so much "read" a book about babies or parenting, or anything really.  But there are so many things that I never knew, wasn't prepared for, kind of wish I had known.  I'm sure I'm just scratching the surface since we are only just shy of 18 months in, and so we are still learning.  Here's what we've learned so far:

• You will be peed on, vomited on, and pooped on.. sometimes all within a few hours of each other, or sometimes all at once
• You will live with a constant layer of crushed crackers on your floor - no matter how often you vacuum
• You will take him exactly where he points and wants to go - and he will still be unhappy when you get there
• There will be unidentifiable stains on your couch - that you don't know how they got there or when
• You will rearrange your living room to make it a better play space, even if it makes it a worse adult space
• Kids are seriously attracted to everything that they aren't supposed to touch - how do they even KNOW that?
• You will co sleep at some point in your child's life (or maybe that's just me)
• Sleeping through the night really only means 5 hrs in a row - and you'll still wish you could get 5 hrs
• You will feel like you are the only one with a crazy kid - and that everyone else must have perfect angels... or then begin to feel like everyone else must be lying (and begin secretly hoping they are)
• It is so incredibly overwhelming, frustrating, and exhausting... but then it turns hilarious, heartwarming, and perfect with the snap of a finger
• You will wonder how on earth he managed to learn "Elmo, Ernie, Burt" and manage to say them on repeat for hours when you have never even watched a show
• You will worry about every milestone (is he going to hit it?  did he miss it?  is everything okay?)
• There will be a moment in time that you freak out and research autism and compare everything your kid does to see if he has symptoms
• You will think you had kids way too early, but know that if you had waited you wouldn't have ended up with the wonderful kid you have now - and you are grateful
• You will be excited to wean - but force feed your child to get a few extra minutes of precious sleep in the morning

Anything I've forgotten?  I know there are plenty in my life - but I've been compiling this list for a while and this is as far as I've gotten...

What a crazy thing parenting is - if I had known everything I don't know that I would have chosen so willingly to become a mom - so I guess that's why everyone keeps it a secret.  In the end, the craziness is outweighed completely by the rewards when he smiles, when he sees you and just wants to be in your arms at the end of the day, and how he wakes up in the morning (even if you hate how early it is) talking and saying "mama... dada...mama...dada" until you come in to get him.

A year in review - Part 2

I looked at my work computer and realized I had a bunch of pictures there... but I still don't have the 12 month ones.  I know they exist, and I know they are somewhere, but I just don't know where!  

So until I locate those, I leave you with the 5 month-11 month video... I can't believe how little he used to be.. and how immobile.  But he's growing fast and we are LOVING it.  

I have too many posts in my head to count - daycare, things no one ever told me about having kids, how genius my kid is (obviously - have you seen that head?  It MUST have a huge brain in there). Ok, that last one is probably just me being a bragging parent.  Ha.  But he's super fun and we are loving him.  He will be 18 months.... 1 1/2 years old.... in 2 days.  I'm not exactly ready, but I'm excited.  He's pretty awesome.

I found his 12 month photo shoot... I know you were all worried... I feel like I've finally (sort of) caught up.

Hope you enjoy it at least half as much as I do watching these videos... I love this kid.  It took me a while to fall completely in love with him, but man, I did fall hard.  :)

It's been 5 months.. It's about time

I'm finally getting around to posting at least a LITTLE something for Colin's first birthday... a little bit of a year in review.  Unfortunately our pictures are spread across multiple computers/devices/clouds, and so I haven't been able to put everything together as well as I would have liked.  This means there will be parts.  So this is Part 1.

It's so crazy what a year can bring.  We were so excited leading up to Colin being born and so excited to meet him.  He was so little and so perfect.  Looking back at the pictures I can't believe how squishy and small he was, so many emotions from a few hundred pictures.  We were so nervous coming home and doing it all on our own.  We were unsure about bassinets and where he would sleep.  Like the nervous parents we were, we called UppaBaby first thing to see if he could actually sleep in his bassinet from our stroller... in the 24 hrs it took them to get back to me (honestly, INSANE customer service - they called me on a SATURDAY!) we were so paranoid we blew up the air mattress and slept on the floor of his room because we knew he was safe in his crib.  A year later we sometimes don't even turn on the monitor and just trust that we'll hear him if something really goes wrong.  

He has tried our patience, driven us crazy, but been so amazing all at once.  I didn't realize I could go through so many emotions in one day, in one year.  Every day we love him more and more.  He is so much fun and we have loved every milestone he has hit, worried every time that he wasn't hitting them fast enough, and been relieved when he finally reaches them.  He's finally walking, he talks up a storm, and just ingests everything so quickly.  It's unbelievable how much our lives have changed, and we are so grateful we had so many years together to weather the storm that is raising a strong-willed, previously colicky, loud, biting little boy.  

I have to keep reminding myself that eventually he'll eat, eventually he'll sleep (he's down to only 1-2 wake-ups per night!!!), and eventually he won't be our little baby... so until then I will appreciate what we have, appreciate where we are, and look forward to where we are going.

Practicing Patience vs. Having Patience

I would like to stop practicing patience, and really just start to have patience.  Does that ever happen?  I know it's never been my strong suit, but ever since Colin started struggling to be put down for bed (which was never a problem before) and waking up multiple times a night (to scream and be awake - not to eat- sometimes for hours on end with no sleep in sight), I go out of my mind.  I miss the days of him waking, me nursing, him falling back asleep.  I don't have very many techniques outside of my boobs to soothe a baby... is that bad?  I mean, he's 13 months old and when my "tried and true" doesn't work --- I'm at a loss and then I start to lose any semblance of patience I once had.  It makes me so incredibly grateful for John because he has the patience of a god, or at least a demi-god.  Of course it's not fair to him for me to give up and turn the cranky/screaming/unhappy/not-sleeping baby over to him every night after "I just can't do it anymore".  So I'm trying to figure out this patience thing.... taking deep breaths... realizing this won't last forever (but 3am feels like forever).... praying this "phase" will end and he'll start sleeping again.  So far I'm at a loss.

I think what bothers me most is the person I become - a total B - to Colin and to John.  I get so frustrated and find myself telling a 13 month old "stop" (as though that's the magic word)... or sometimes, you know, saying the F word to a toddler.  I'm sure he totally gets it, right?  I hate the day-after guilt where I know that in the moment it was so overwhelming and felt like it was never going to end and there wasn't anything I could do.... so I wasn't soothing, I wasn't holding him softly and whispering "I love yous" into his ear and "ssshhhh" to calm him down.  Instead I'm manhandling his squirmy little body that doesn't want to be held in any position, unceremoniously laying him down on his bed that certainly wouldn't entice me to sleep either, or leaving him to just cry in his crib.  Or the moments where there isn't anything to do so we turn on Pitch Perfect or sit him down to just let him play at 3 in the morning.  

I need to figure out how to remember this moment right now - where I am not as tired as I thought I would be, the 4 hours in the middle of the night that he was awake haven't completely taken over my day and I'm still functioning, and the cuteness that was this morning when he finally DID sleep and it was so hard to wake him and he cuddled against John's shoulder as I got everything ready to get him out the door.  Those are the things that I need to try and remind myself when he's screaming and refusing to lay down to go to sleep... it's a phase... he's teething, he might be having dreams, he just wants us to be close.  Those aren't a reason to be angry, those are reasons to finally start learning patience and using it.  

I'm wanting to do our year wrap-up, but I thought that 1) I should be in a better place (one where he's sleeping, perhaps) so that I can see all the good things instead of being crabby myself and 2) we didn't take his 12 month picture until the day before he turned 13 months... so it's been a bit delayed.  

Until then, here are some random photos of Colin from the last few weeks.

Finally sleeping