Serious Notes

I try to keep my posts relatively light hearted... which is how I really do live my life - focusing on the good and positive and trying to let go of the bad.  (I sound like some sort of ridiculous self-help book or something)  But, there have been a few events as of late that I think warrant some more serious thought.  I think this is even more spurred on by the fact that I just dropped Colin off for our first dry run of Julia watching him when I go back to work - and I might be feeling a little overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions that I know are completely normal, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm a relatively rational person (this could be up to debate with John sometimes, as I do have quite a few irrational moments), and this tends to carry over into my emotions.  I don't often get overly emotional, I didn't really cry at my wedding, I didn't cry at Colin's birth... I'm just not really "built" that way.  But, geez, dropping Colin off this morning for our dry run, knowing that it will be a constant thing starting next Wednesday.  Now THAT can really set a girl off.  I did hold it together, but mainly because I'm pretending that it's not real.  (Might also be why I'm good at not crying at momentous occasions)  I'm so nervous about leaving him, not because I don't trust Julia, but because he will now be in the hands of someone other than me, someone other than family - and spending more time with her in a day than he spends with me.  She will get to interact with him more than me, see the smiles, see the faces, see the "firsts".  I'm not looking forward to that.  I'm so nervous that he will stop being comforted by me as well, stop liking me as much, that he just won't be as excited to see me anymore.  Since she's our friend, I have the fear that when we are out and he's upset, he'll look to her instead of me.  Not all of these fears are rational, but I don't think they're abnormal either.  I know that ultimately, I'm still mom and I still have that trump card.  But I don't know that it will have as much clout when I go back to work.  That's what scares me the most I think.  

Four weeks ago, he was crying more, harder to deal with during the day while John was at work.  Then last week he started being so much more interactive and smiley and cute.  Of course he had to change right before I had to go back to work.  How fitting.  We've been snuggling more, he's been holding on to my shoulders when I pick him up.  All the things that make my heart grow three sizes.  I'm really starting to buy into this motherhood thing.  Ha.  Don't get me wrong, he still has days where he screams and cries and there is nothing I can do to help, but he has a lot more times where he plays and giggles and likes when I sing to him.  (I don't want to brag, but I can pull out a mean Row Row Row Your Boat)  I guess he pulled out all the stops to remind me why it's totally worth it, even if I am back at work and I can't spend as much time with him.  This morning before dropping him off, we snuggled in bed.  He curled up into me and conked out, I just got to lay there and look at him and listen to him breathe.  Sure, we were late to Julia's, but I wouldn't trade it.  I'm going to miss it when I'm rushing out the door in the morning to drop him off and get into the office.  Luckily my boss is finally really buying into the flexibility thing (I think) so that means to me that I will get to visit him during the day for lunch when I'm working from home.  Pick him up early to see him more in the afternoon.  I'm looking forward to that already and it's not even happening yet!  

I think the most surprising thing to me about the emotional reaction to leaving him for the day was that I'll admit, I didn't have that overwhelming sweeping intense love when Colin was born.  I was in shock over having a life to be responsible for, how much our lives had changed, and he was so intense.  I wasn't prepared for how often he would nurse, how often he would be awake in the night, how much work it would all be and how exhausted I would feel.  I wasn't prepared for how much he would cry and how there would be nothing to do until he had cried it out or we held on to him and rocked him for hours on end.  I wasn't prepared for how we wouldn't be able to sit on the couch for 10 weeks while holding him because he had to be constantly rocked or on the move.  It was all very taxing.  Don't get me wrong, I loved him... but I wasn't feeling what so many people said I should be feeling or what they had felt.  I get it now.  It took a while, but now that we can interact with each other it's an entirely different feeling. At first it felt like we were babysitting for a really long time, now it's shifted to know that we really are in this for the long haul.  Ha.  I am sitting in my house for the first time without him being here since he was born, and it feels like something is missing.  That's how I know the shift has happened, that's how I know that my life will never be the same.  When he's not here, I miss him, I worry about him, and I hope he knows that I love him and hope that when I see him again he will still love me back.  This is going to be an intense couple of weeks while I get back into work, and I accept that everything will still be okay - just different.

My other note.  I've had a couple of people ask me about my first Mother's Day, a few ask if I've thought about my mom.  I've had probably other people wondering, but not asking.  I have been so blessed in my life to have so many supportive women that have looked after me and cared about me.  I haven't truly celebrated a Mother's Day since 2001.  I've celebrated my wonderful mother-in-law, other wonderful mother's that I have in my life - but it's been a bit removed for me.  This year I had my 30th birthday followed by my first Mother's Day as a mother.  It was different, and it was wonderful.  It was nice to have a fresh take on the day, with new memories to be made.  I miss my mom, and I wish she were here.  I wish I could ask her questions about when I was a baby, how she felt, what it was like.  I wish that I could share my stories with her and how things are going and that she could know Colin.  I'm lucky in that much of what she learned about taking care of a baby she learned from my dad, so I have him as a wonderful resource and if anyone knows my dad, he loves to share stories about me - so I'm not lacking in that regard.  Ha.  But, I do miss her and I wish she were here.  But I am also looking forward to making my own Mother's Day memories with my family and my sweet boy, and starting to make that day something special again.

Was that enough serious talk?  I figure it probably is... and a LOT of words.  Not sure if it makes sense, or if there was any message really here... other than, I'm happy to be a mom... I'm not excited to be a working one.  But I know in the end it's better (and necessary) for all of us.  

Now here's a cute picture to make it all happy again:

Drum ROLL please...

For Colin's 10 week birthday he rolled over!  What?!?!  I managed to actually catch it on video too.  I was so excited by how wonderful he was doing with holding his head up that I started filming him ... and what did he do?  Rolled from tummy to back.  At first it seemed like it was completely not on purpose, but then that day he managed to do it about half a dozen times.  Now he does it when he wants to, and gets really frustrated when he's too tired or uncoordinated to make it happen.  Not something I expected at 10 weeks, but super exciting.

Now, you can check out the video on YouTube.  It's private though, so if anyone is truly interested in seeing the Colin YouTube Channel I can add you to the list of "ok".  If you do watch it, please ignore the ridiculous of my voice.  I apparently talk like a muppet or something when I'm home alone with him... it's kind of gross.

2 months already?!?!

Holy smokes - we've done it... we have made it into two months.  Okay, it's really not that crazy of a milestone really, I think that the three month one (aka 1/4 of a YEAR) will throw me a bit more - I'm just incredibly impressed by how quickly two months snuck up on us.

What's new?  Colin smiles... thank goodness.  It makes the crying so much more bearable.  Ha.  In all seriousness, it's adorable and I love it.  He's almost to the point where I feel like he wants to actually laugh, but so far we haven't seen it.  We sing songs (Itsy Bitsy Spider; Row, Row, Row Your Boat; Twinkle Twinkle Little Star), we work on tummy time (to mixed results of crying, confusion, and overall iritation)... it's a pretty good little life we're leading.  Good thing it's about to get turned upside down in two weeks when I go back to work.  That's the topic of an entirely different post.

We've also celebrated my 30th birthday AND my first mother's day.  That was a crazy weekend.  Just in how much was going on.  For my 30th we got to go to the Urgent Care at our pediatrician's office to get eye drops for Colin's first eye infection AND I was told that he doesn't handle dairy protein very well so until further notice I'm off of dairy.  Wha wha.  It'll be so worth it if we see a change in his demeanor and tummy, but it was a sad day for me.  But, all is temporary so I'll do what I can to try and help the little guy out.  Luckily, his eye is back to normal and we should start seeing benefits from our no-dairy diet soon!

On his two month check up he measured in at 11 lb 12 oz and 24.25" long.  A few days before he had been at 12 lb 2 oz, so we were a little surprised at the nearly 0.5 lb weight loss.. but it seems like he's okay.  He's crazy long and crazy skinny.. not a huge surprise, but I'm kind of hoping he'll eventually get a little fatter.

He's more alert than ever, and definitely is taking in what's going on around him.  He moves around in his bassinet at night like a crazy person.  He rolls around and manages to shimmy himself in circles so if I put him down one way, when I wake up to feed him in the middle of the night or in the morning he will be either completely flipped around or at a minimum sideways.  Cracks me up.  He just moves those legs like crazy and eventually gets enough momentum to rotate.

So without further ado, here are some pictures - they are kind of a random sample of things - mainly where I thought he was cute or Grandpa was visiting.  I think I have a diagnosable problem with the number of pictures I take, all of which look like they are essentially the same thing over and over again.  But in the moment, it seems completely different.

One of my favorites

Sitting with grandpa - just about to drift to sleep

Chillin' with daddy in his superman onesie and cape

Our friends made us a bunch of onesies - I put this on him right before he turned two months, because I am lazy... Technically he was still within the 1 month old timeframe.

Happy Two Months Colin!!!

More homemade friends onesies.. ha.  Another one to come, but I can only change him so many times before he freaks out.

And this one just made me laugh because this was him crashed out on the couch earlier today.

And here we are - two months in, 1/6 of the way to a year... two weeks from going back to work.  Can't wait to see what he does next month!!

Secret Baby Society

"I feel like we just got inducted into a life-long support group" - John

Truer words have never been spoken.  I've never been one to like --- errrr, I mean talk to ---- strangers.  But when you have a baby all previous feelings of talking to strangers goes clear out the window.  (Somehow I need to figure out how to incorporate this into stranger danger in the future for Colin)  The other day we were walking down the street, saw a couple with a little baby in a Bjorn and with Colin in our stroller - we started chatting to these random strangers... Their daughter was just a few weeks older than Colin and we stood on the corner waiting for the light to change talking about how much our lives have changed.  Weird.  I feel like I'm in a secret society that you can't join until you have a baby.  Women give you "that look" when you're out and your baby is crying (not that this has happened to me... oh wait, nearly ever time I've been out he's cried at LEAST once) and they give you that smile of "I know exactly what you're going through."  I had a lovely woman today, while Colin was wailing from being over-tired, say "mine is 11 months old.  It gets better and easier.  No one should be giving you a hard time, and if they're giving you a hard time, they can go to hell".  Amen sister!  I like this little society, we look out for each other - hold doors open to roll in the unwieldy stroller, offer kind words when babies are freaking out, it's pretty nice.

Another fun thing to do, to realize that what you're witnessing as a parent is completely normal - google the most bizarre thing you can think of (ex. baby foaming at the mouth after two month vaccinations) and you will get multiple people who have posted the same questions or worries in all kinds of baby forums.  Don't worry, that google search was mainly because I was curious if other people experienced it - and there were others.  However, there were also a lot of people who were ridiculous responders who blew it way out of proportion and sounded insane... so I still take all I read with a grain of salt.  Ha.

One month in

I can't believe it's been a full month (and at this point, actually longer but I'm a little behind).  Everything has gone so quickly that it's crazy to realize how much has changed.  I see Colin everyday so it's hard for me to see the full effects of time, but looking back at pictures shows me just how crazy big this kid has gotten... and I can look back and remember what it was.  

Where do we stand at one month?  His one month check up put him in at 10 lbs 8 oz and 22.5" long.  For those of you keeping score at home, that means in one month he's gained 2 lbs 9 oz... and grew 1.5".  I don't know much about babies, but that seems fast.  Our pediatrician was a little bit, umm, shocked I guess you could say.  I mentioned that he had been having some issues with some inconsolable crying, and some severe gas.  He just happened to have an "attack" of it right there in the office, which was great to explain what was going on and get some feedback.  Our peds concern was that he was experiencing reflux, since he as gained so much weight (on average 40 grams/day I think he said) he's probably overeating.  I don't know how on EARTH I got one of the few babies on this earth that don't stop when he's full - but it's possible that I did.  Or, I got a baby that just is constantly in a growth spurt.  Either way, it was a rough week for the two of us after that.  I lost some confidence in what I was doing so he cried, which made me cry.. It was rough.  

But, my aunt was in town and we made some big strides!  He took his first bottle.  Woohoo!  I was so incredibly nervous after hearing so many scary stories about babies not taking bottles -- ever.  So, we went for it, and he took it so well!  I was so impressed by him, and so excited.  He spontaneously started rolling himself onto his side, and shimmying himself so that he can rotate in his bassinet.  He's a crazy kid.  

I have to say, he's really cute, but man he's HARD.  He does like to cry, doesn't love to nap so he gets over tired, and I don't know what to do all the time.  But, he will cuddle up and loves his changing pad.  Seriously, he can be so upset but lay him on the changing pad and it just changes his life.  It's great.  

John is still the best at putting him to sleep - I don't know what he does, but he can leave the room with a cranky baby and walk back in however man minutes later with a sleeping one.  It's impressive.

I'll follow up with more later, but here are some pictures.  I'm sure that I have more to share about parenthood, and how it's all going - but that will wait for a more current post.  A couple of them are essentially the same picture, but umm... they have different ways to say 1 month.... and I'm just kind of obsessed with his cuteness.

Not 1 month, but thought I should share a 4 week-er

Had to show his picture with Mr McGibblets (see The League to understand)

This one cracks me up because they are both looking in the same direction - and it looks like he's sitting up

Yeah chalkboards!

Some sweet month stickers from our friends Colleen and Jacob

And his tuxedo onesie with his mustache pacifier - a-ma-zing

And there we are.  Let's see how the next 4 weeks go - we're only getting better at this parenting thing!